Some things don’t die easily- weeds, dictatorships, memories of traumatic experiences and a critical spirit. The last is perhaps one of the most resilient of them all. The grumbling thing was a primary reason for people wandering in the desert for 40 years. Not enough meat; too much meat. Not enough leadership; too much leadership. When the criticism activity starts, it is hard to stop. It is the food that many relationships live on. Some cultures have perfected the science of cynicism. Some relationships are built on the ability to find common fault in others who are “not us.” And there is certainly enough fodder inside all of us about which others might complain. There is almost too much stuff in most of our pastures to keep from stepping in some of it from time to time. [I apologize for my fond but graphic childhood memories.]
And if accessibility to fault isn’t enough, some people have a gift in feasting on it. Frederick Buechner spoke of how delicious anger (a kissing cousin of the critical spirit) can be. He commented that those who are angry have a feast fit for a king. They devour every toothsome morsel of flesh until they finally realize when nearing the end of the feast that it is themselves they have been devouring. A critical spirit is like that. The person who chooses that diet finds self-destruction and even self-loathing a highly likely result. It is a cancer that eats from the inside. But, it is hard to shake; especially for the maligned, hurt, victim of injustice and/or those unwilling to accept blame. The critical spirit’s more subtle cousin is sarcasm. And that can be perfected. I saw a tee shirt one day that read “TACT: a quality possessed by those not witty enough to be sarcastic.” The message is clear: sarcasm certainly does take a measure of wit and critical (technical and inherently negative) thinking. Again, however, as much fun as it is, it can become a subtle destroyer.
So there you have it, a critical spirit, sometimes provoked by deeper things (jealousy, envy or anger) sometimes expressed through sarcasm, with a bent toward cynicism that prefers tearing down over building up- it’s a cocktail that is hard to digest, a pattern that’s hard to break. I’ve likely touched a nerve and struck a chord. So, what do we do? How do we stop the locomotive? How do we back away from a perfectly acceptable cultural norm? Or, perhaps a prior question would be, do we want to back away from that which is perfectly acceptable in our culture? [Check out the sitcoms on TV. Their meals are heavily if not solely dependent upon these ingredients.
If you are a person who has ever said to yourself with regret, “Why did I say that?” Or, “What was I thinking?” Or, “Why can’t I be more positive?” Then, there is likely a healthy conscience and good hope in this arena. Let me offer some suggestions to break the stranglehold.
The wrong place to start is to try to monitor the mouth. Jesus nailed that door shut when he said, “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” In other words, don’t shoot the messenger. The mouth just carries out orders. Verbal suppression is a losing battle.
The right place to start is to be broken over that which breaks others. A heart that sees the depth of grief caused will likely feel reciprocal grief more deeply. A very fitting prayer for the critical spirited might be, “Lord, pierce my heart with what my heart pierces others- a destructive attitude. Allow me to be wounded by what wounds others.” We never really get over any problem until we see the problem for the ugliness that it is. But, cultures can baptize sin and find virtue in them. The key for Christians is to live by a higher cultural standard. We can only do that when we see the deficiencies in what our culture sees as acceptable. A critical spirit is not funny, charming or an acceptable and fashionable expression of wit. It is pure dehumanization and destruction.
A second key step in breaking the patter is prayer. I’m not talking about prayer in a generic sense. Pray for good to be done for those whom we might criticize. We cannot criticize those for whom we are passionately praying to succeed and prosper. The two don’t mix. I don’t believe it is coincidental that Jesus mentioned “loving neighbors” and “praying for those who persecute” in the same breath (Matthew 5:44). Praying for the benefit of those whom you would otherwise have little to cheer about spawns love. It is difficult to criticize people for whom we are praying. If love cannot be easily conjured for those with whom we struggle, start passionately praying for them and see what happens. Love starts spilling out.
A third step in the process is to verbally bless. Blessing is the opposite of cursing (criticism is a softer word with fewer religious overtones). Once we start praying for people, we want to start sharing what we are praying and what God is doing in us through those prayers. I find blessing to be an old fashioned word with a very contemporary and powerful application in the arena of attitudes toward others. Paul connected the praying and the blessing together for the hard-to-get-along-with (Romans 12:14). I’m sure Peter had this in mind when he spoke about what we say and how we say it (1 Peter 3:15-16).
Churches that are filled with people broken by the hurt of others, prayer for the undeserving and blessing for those who deserve less have little room for a critical spirit. People are the same. Let’s break it up.